Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Praise God
A completely natural recovery from this miscarriage is what I have been trusting God for, and today I received the phone call. After 10 weeks of blood draws and other not so fun details that you don't want to know about, I am finally and officially back to a pre-pregnant state. Praise God! And that is exactly what I exclaimed to the nurse on the other end of the telephone today. I know that the prayers of many have strengthened Zach and I since January. Let me just say, I am so thankful for the church. Not just NRC (though I love our church dearly!), but the body of Christ as a whole. I can't even begin to tell you how many distinct times over the past 10 weeks I have been overwhelmed by His love...and most often, it came through the encouraging word of a sister. Simply put, God loves to love through people. Let us not forget that we are doing His great work by simply loving.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Letting Go
I had hoped to title this post "A Tiny Flutter" or "Growing Strong" but neither of those titles would be fitting. Last Monday I began to have some bleeding. Zach and I rushed to urgent care where the doctor examined me. He was rather confident that the "threatened miscarriage" I was experiencing would progress but with limited equipment, he could not be sure. He advised us to make an appointment with OB in the morning. That night was burdensome. I knew something was not right, but wanted to stay hopeful. I called OB the next day and told Angela, the nurse, that I hadn't had any more bleeding since my exam the night before. She said it would probably be ok to just keep our scheduled appointment for Friday, but to notify them if I started to bleed again. Sure enough, I called Angela again on Wednesday morning. I was having recurrent bleeding. My doctor, Allison Sampson, moved my ultrasound up to 1:00 that day. I knew that this appointment could potentially be the most joyous or dismal day of my life. Either way, I was ready to know something for sure. The past eight days had seemed like thirty and I was weary from wondering.
The result of our ultrasound was clear. There had been no growth in eight days. At "11 weeks", the embryonic sac was still measuring at six or seven weeks (relative to which doctor was interpreting the pictures), and there was no heartbeat. My HcG levels were 11,000, a confirmation that we should be seeing much more fetal development. We were told that this pregnancy was no longer viable and that our doctor would discuss our "options" with us.
The meeting with Allison was as good as that sort of appointment can be. She was so sensitive to what we were going through. I could tell she really cared. With her guidance, I decided to miscarry naturally rather than induce a miscarriage medicinally or have a D&C. This process was extremely painful, not what I was expecting at all. It wasn't until the physical aspect was over that I could really begin to deal with the emotional aspect. The excitement and anticipation of the past month were now gone and I was left with sadness. Just pure sadness.
I truly believe that if God allows something, there is glory in it. One of the things I struggle with on a daily basis and have been working on surrendering to God, is fear that something tragic will happen...something that will alter my life dramatically. For the past few months my recurrent prayer has been, "Lord, protect Zach and I from anything but your will." And here we are...hurting because we will never hold this baby in our arms or kiss its little toes, or smell its forehead. But if God can somehow be glorified in our pain, either now or in the future, we will praise him for that.
The result of our ultrasound was clear. There had been no growth in eight days. At "11 weeks", the embryonic sac was still measuring at six or seven weeks (relative to which doctor was interpreting the pictures), and there was no heartbeat. My HcG levels were 11,000, a confirmation that we should be seeing much more fetal development. We were told that this pregnancy was no longer viable and that our doctor would discuss our "options" with us.
The meeting with Allison was as good as that sort of appointment can be. She was so sensitive to what we were going through. I could tell she really cared. With her guidance, I decided to miscarry naturally rather than induce a miscarriage medicinally or have a D&C. This process was extremely painful, not what I was expecting at all. It wasn't until the physical aspect was over that I could really begin to deal with the emotional aspect. The excitement and anticipation of the past month were now gone and I was left with sadness. Just pure sadness.
I truly believe that if God allows something, there is glory in it. One of the things I struggle with on a daily basis and have been working on surrendering to God, is fear that something tragic will happen...something that will alter my life dramatically. For the past few months my recurrent prayer has been, "Lord, protect Zach and I from anything but your will." And here we are...hurting because we will never hold this baby in our arms or kiss its little toes, or smell its forehead. But if God can somehow be glorified in our pain, either now or in the future, we will praise him for that.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Holding onto Hope
The past two days have been quite emotional. Zach and I had been looking forward to our first doctors appointment since we found out we were pregnant a little over a month ago. All we knew was that at this appointment, we would most likely hear the heartbeat. We were so excited! When we arrived at the Clinic, a nurse/MA took us back to an exam room. She took my weight and asked me a million questions. Then Kristin, my PA, entered the room, congratulated us, and asked a few more questions. She also did my physical exam, gave me the flu shots, and provided me with a detailed informational packet about pregnancy. Then Zach asked, “Are we going to be able to hear the heartbeat today?” Kristin’s reply was unsure by hopeful. She said there was a 50% chance we would be able to hear it, depending on the position of my uterus and the baby. She said that since I was thin we would probably have a good chance of finding it. She then pulled out the Doppler and we listened, and listened, and listened. Nothing.
Since I have a longer menstrual cycle than the average woman, Kristin suggested we go for an ultrasound to see just how old the baby was. She explained that I may be 9 instead of 10 weeks along in which case we wouldn’t have been able to hear the heartbeat. So we left a little disappointed but also excited that we would get to see our baby via ultrasound in just 13 hours!
Tuesday came too slowly and we arrived at the clinic right on time. From that point on it was a lot of waiting, which always seems twice as long when you’re nervous. Forty-five minutes later a young lady took Zach and I back to a dimly lit room and began. First she pointed out my ovaries and then the baby. My smile quickly turned into a quivering lip when I realized that our babe was much too small to be nine weeks old. While the young lady took measurements she asked me a couple questions like when my last period was and if this was my first pregnancy. She then apologized that the ultrasound was taking so long and told us that the doctor may come speak with us. After she left the room I noticed the monitor. There were some measurements listed - all in millimeters - and three boxes labeled: fetal heartbeat, fetal movement, and fetal lung movement. None of the boxes were check marked.
One of the things I admire most about Zach is that when I show defeat he shows faith. When I give up, he says not yet. As we waited for our results, he continued to remind me that we didn’t know anything yet for sure, and that no matter what happens, God is good.
Eventually we spoke with Kristin. She told us that the ultrasound tech did not see a heartbeat and that this could mean one of two things: The baby hasn’t been growing, or I am much earlier in the pregnancy than they anticipated and the heartbeat simply cannot be detected yet. She was unable to assure us that everything was fine, but more importantly, she would not assume that anything was wrong. So we get to wait and measure our little one again next week.
This morning I awoke with bloodshot eyes but a calm spirit. I went downstairs to find Zach. He was reading his Bible. I sat down on the couch next to him and he just hugged me. He said, “Shannon I know that our baby is ok. I have such a peace.”
Even though Zach and I do not know the outcome of next Friday’s ultrasound, we do know that our God is righteous, mighty, and GOOD. And we will praise him while we wait.
Since I have a longer menstrual cycle than the average woman, Kristin suggested we go for an ultrasound to see just how old the baby was. She explained that I may be 9 instead of 10 weeks along in which case we wouldn’t have been able to hear the heartbeat. So we left a little disappointed but also excited that we would get to see our baby via ultrasound in just 13 hours!
Tuesday came too slowly and we arrived at the clinic right on time. From that point on it was a lot of waiting, which always seems twice as long when you’re nervous. Forty-five minutes later a young lady took Zach and I back to a dimly lit room and began. First she pointed out my ovaries and then the baby. My smile quickly turned into a quivering lip when I realized that our babe was much too small to be nine weeks old. While the young lady took measurements she asked me a couple questions like when my last period was and if this was my first pregnancy. She then apologized that the ultrasound was taking so long and told us that the doctor may come speak with us. After she left the room I noticed the monitor. There were some measurements listed - all in millimeters - and three boxes labeled: fetal heartbeat, fetal movement, and fetal lung movement. None of the boxes were check marked.
One of the things I admire most about Zach is that when I show defeat he shows faith. When I give up, he says not yet. As we waited for our results, he continued to remind me that we didn’t know anything yet for sure, and that no matter what happens, God is good.
Eventually we spoke with Kristin. She told us that the ultrasound tech did not see a heartbeat and that this could mean one of two things: The baby hasn’t been growing, or I am much earlier in the pregnancy than they anticipated and the heartbeat simply cannot be detected yet. She was unable to assure us that everything was fine, but more importantly, she would not assume that anything was wrong. So we get to wait and measure our little one again next week.
This morning I awoke with bloodshot eyes but a calm spirit. I went downstairs to find Zach. He was reading his Bible. I sat down on the couch next to him and he just hugged me. He said, “Shannon I know that our baby is ok. I have such a peace.”
Even though Zach and I do not know the outcome of next Friday’s ultrasound, we do know that our God is righteous, mighty, and GOOD. And we will praise him while we wait.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
