Holding onto Hope

The past two days have been quite emotional. Zach and I had been looking forward to our first doctors appointment since we found out we were pregnant a little over a month ago. All we knew was that at this appointment, we would most likely hear the heartbeat. We were so excited! When we arrived at the Clinic, a nurse/MA took us back to an exam room. She took my weight and asked me a million questions. Then Kristin, my PA, entered the room, congratulated us, and asked a few more questions. She also did my physical exam, gave me the flu shots, and provided me with a detailed informational packet about pregnancy. Then Zach asked, “Are we going to be able to hear the heartbeat today?” Kristin’s reply was unsure by hopeful. She said there was a 50% chance we would be able to hear it, depending on the position of my uterus and the baby. She said that since I was thin we would probably have a good chance of finding it. She then pulled out the Doppler and we listened, and listened, and listened. Nothing.

Since I have a longer menstrual cycle than the average woman, Kristin suggested we go for an ultrasound to see just how old the baby was. She explained that I may be 9 instead of 10 weeks along in which case we wouldn’t have been able to hear the heartbeat. So we left a little disappointed but also excited that we would get to see our baby via ultrasound in just 13 hours!

Tuesday came too slowly and we arrived at the clinic right on time. From that point on it was a lot of waiting, which always seems twice as long when you’re nervous. Forty-five minutes later a young lady took Zach and I back to a dimly lit room and began. First she pointed out my ovaries and then the baby. My smile quickly turned into a quivering lip when I realized that our babe was much too small to be nine weeks old. While the young lady took measurements she asked me a couple questions like when my last period was and if this was my first pregnancy. She then apologized that the ultrasound was taking so long and told us that the doctor may come speak with us. After she left the room I noticed the monitor. There were some measurements listed - all in millimeters - and three boxes labeled: fetal heartbeat, fetal movement, and fetal lung movement. None of the boxes were check marked.

One of the things I admire most about Zach is that when I show defeat he shows faith. When I give up, he says not yet. As we waited for our results, he continued to remind me that we didn’t know anything yet for sure, and that no matter what happens, God is good.

Eventually we spoke with Kristin. She told us that the ultrasound tech did not see a heartbeat and that this could mean one of two things: The baby hasn’t been growing, or I am much earlier in the pregnancy than they anticipated and the heartbeat simply cannot be detected yet. She was unable to assure us that everything was fine, but more importantly, she would not assume that anything was wrong. So we get to wait and measure our little one again next week.

This morning I awoke with bloodshot eyes but a calm spirit. I went downstairs to find Zach. He was reading his Bible. I sat down on the couch next to him and he just hugged me. He said, “Shannon I know that our baby is ok. I have such a peace.”

Even though Zach and I do not know the outcome of next Friday’s ultrasound, we do know that our God is righteous, mighty, and GOOD. And we will praise him while we wait.